Excited for elf action!

Are you as excited as I am? It's almost time for Elf on the Shelf 2012.

I.cant.wait....

I seriously had to put our elf, Holly, and the book on a high shelf in my bedroom closet that I couldn't reach without a chair.  I have no self control when it comes to Christmas time and holiday cheer. I was tempted to bust that jolly Holly out of her shoebox prison the day after Halloween, when ironically, my Christmas decorations spontaneously jumped down from the attic and sprung to their proper place. I'm a freak, I know. People hate it, but I don't give a shit, I love me some holiday time and I'll celebrate it as early or as long as I want.  I certainly don't hear my girls complaining about holiday crafts, decorations or goodies. I hope my super happy holiday disease is rubbing off on them and I don't turn them into Grinches by accident.

So, back to the elf action. I resisted the urge and left her there to sulk in her shoebox all alone while all the rest of the Christmas gear was getting the love. Sorry Holly, but I need to preserve your magic for as long as I can.

Remember George Orwell's 1984, where "Big Brother" is watching you? The "big brother" may or may not exist, but you're scared shitless nonetheless. This is how it goes in our household...

Dookie: singing "Jingle bells, Jingle bells, fart in your face. Punch the Santa in the belly..." (seriously, what the freak are they teaching you at preschool?)

Me: "Um, what are you singing that for? That's not nice, stop it."

Dookie: still singing "punch you in the faaaaace...."

Me: "I bet Santa's elf is watching you. She's gonna report that you want to punch him, and that you're ignoring me."

SILENCE.

cue angels singing, Hallelujah!


HOLLY is my HERO. The bitch doesn't even need to leave her shoe-cell to work her magic.  I'm saving her powers and presence to be my present, a perfectly behaved December. Can I be so lucky?

For your entertainment, here are a few of Holly's shenanigans from 2011.

Upon arrival from the North Pole our family's elf was named Elmo. He had a long ride from the pole to NC, so he had to pee.

Dookie: He "should've pulled down his pants, he's gonna get peepee on his clothes. "

He's watching you in the shower....maybe Dookie appropriately named it Elmo given the current circumstances? (too soon?)

 This banana ride one was a special for Daddy. He's a sicko. (No the girls didn't see this.)

Road trip! Best behaved car ride everrrrr.

 Uh, SURPRISE, Elmo is a tranny elf! Dookie was requesting a girl elf visit her, so her elf got overnight sex change and changed her name to Holly.
And now for my favorite of 2011....Mission Elfpossible.

See you next week with our Elf 2012.



 And by the way, I've read this viral blog, and if you want to punch me in the throat, expect to be punched back.  http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/2011/12/over-achieving-elf-on-shelf-mommies.html

Don't look at my Pirates!

Apparently today, September 19th is International Talk like a Pirate Day. Seriously, who the hell thinks of these things?

In honor of this absurd day, I'd like to share a story all about Pirates.

I was cleaning up the kitchen and both girls were in the living room playing together. Out of the giggles comes the high pitch screaming...

Dookie: "Stop Sissy! Stop! Stoooopppp!"

Baby Sis: hysterically laughing

Dookie: "I don't want anyone to see my pirates. It's not nice to show people your pirates!"

Curious as to what Baby Sis was doing that she found so funny, and why Dookie was so pissed about pirates, I went into the living room to see Baby Sis lifting up Dookie's skirt and smacking her in the butt.

Arrrgh matey, yer correct. It's not appropriate to be showin' off yer booty and family jewels.

Please help!

If you can recall last September, our family was requesting prayers, love and positive thoughts to go towards Dookie's friend, Allie S.

The sweet two year old girl was experiencing unexpected kidney failure, and her situation was terrifying and in need of a major miracle. Allie has FSGS, and this strong girl will need to keep fighting  and remain in close care of specialists.  For more information on FSGS, please visit http://nephcure.org/fsgs-facts

Dookie is going to be walking with NephCure in her friend Allie's honor. To support her efforts, and research that will be searching for treatment and a cure for FSGS, please consider sponsoring Dookie as she walks with Team Allie. 
The link to sponsor is: http://raleighncwalk.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=1030218&lis=1&kntae1030218=996FE50B6D1A40058A5E518094877FE6&supId=366935417

Also, I wanted to provide and update on Allie and thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers because thanks be to God, good medicine and amazing doctors, she's had a complete turn around and is a HEALTHY three year old!!

Like a booger, just waiting to be picked.

I guess I can consider myself lucky that today was our first real emergency adventure with Dookie, we made it nearly 4 years without incident. Until today...dun, dun, duuuuun.

No, my sweet girl didn't fall down the stairs, or bump her head. Her bones are all intact.  No fever, no rash....oh no, not my kid.  Mine is extra special, she had to go because she shoved something up her nose, and got it stuck.

The child that always blows people away with her intellect and maturity, the same one that has people telling me how bright and advanced she is, stuck what she called "paper" up her right nostril, and lodging it up there. She's so smart, but sooooo dumb.

What makes a child think, "Ooooh let me stick ::foreign object:: up my nose?" Most kids don't even let their mom wipe/blow their nose, pulling out the nasal aspirator or in our house, talk or sight of the BOOGER SUCKER makes them run and hide under the bed or in the closet.

I'm still shaking my head. It blows my nose, er, mind.

Here's how it went down:

I'm standing in the kitchen cleaning up and she comes running in from the living room hysterically crying. I knew it had to be serious because she would never leave "Santa Paws" without reason. Yes it IS only September 12. We're not here to talk about that. ;-)


Momma: "Whoah, why are you crying, whats wrong?"
Dookie: "It's stuck in my nose! WAHHHWAHHHHOMGWAHHHCALLANEMERGENCYYYYY"
Momma: Calm down, WHAT is in your nose? A booger? Stop over reacting, here's a tissue."
Dookie: "WAHHHHH gasp snort hack A PAPER!!!!! "
Momma: "How did a paper get stuck in your nose?"

I look up her nose, and sure enough there's a "paper." From what I could tell looking up her snoz looked like a crumbled ball of paper, but it was hard to see since it was SO far up there. After a few minutes of trying to get her to blow her nose out, but she only sucked in more and more, I thought it might be a good idea to get out the dreaded booger sucker. I shoved that bad boy into her now bleeding nostril and thought to myself that paper should come right out. Nope, nothing. I get a flash light. I can barely see it now.

Crap, I made it worse. What the fuck am I going to do?
Now she's laying on the floor, panicked. Screaming at the top of her lungs.
Remember when I told you about Baby Sis throwing tantrums when she sees her sister doing it? Awesome. Two screaming, writhing messes, one bleeding from the nose. I'm so lucky.

Welp, now it's time to go to the Emergency. I call her Daddy to tell him where we're going, and he's thrilled. OF COURSE, Dookie hears this and is crying even harder.

Dookie: "I'M BLEEDING, I'M DYING. I DON'T WANT AN EMERGENCY. I DON'T WANT AN AMBULANCE, THEY DON'T HAVE A CAR SEAT. WAHHHHHHHH"

I throw clothes on the baby, shoes on all of us and put them both in the car and off we go.

Thank God for my good friend, Jenny, who hopped in the car and came to my rescue to help with the baby when I had to go in the exam room. Her son distracted the panicked Dookie and they watched cartoons for the two hour wait.

We finally get in and the doctor is THRILLED. He's like pumped up to see us.

Doc: "Hahaha, Hi Mom! How are you today? I love this age, they're so interested in orifices."
Momma: "Yes, usually it's just fingers but today, not so much."
Doc: "Yeah anything that fits in those orifices are a kids favorite. Can this fit in my orifice? Will that go in my orifice?"

Yeah dude, I get the picture. Seriously? Say "orifice" to me one more time and I might barf, or punch you. We waited two fucking hours with 3 kids in the waiting room, get the fucking flash light and get the paper out.

Doc: "Ok little lady, lay back here and I'm going to look with my flash light and see what you put up your orifice."   

dickface.

Dookie does some sort of karate chop/jump/kick/fly through the air. She's escaped both myself and the doctor and is trying to get out the door of the room. So, I did what any Mom would do, I got her back, gave her a hug, told her it's not going to hurt.

Then, I sat on her.

So here we are, both on the exam table, with her body pinned down under my legs and her head in my crotch. It looked like I was giving birth to her again.  She's screaming bloody murder, I'm wrestling her with all my might, using my thighs and my hands to attempt to keep her head immobile.
Here comes the doctor with his little flashlight headband, ready to pick my kids nose and shove his face in my lap.

How did I end up in this fiasco?!
Oh yes, my daughter shoved "paper" up her nose.
I'm so lucky!

The doctor had some special tweezer-like apparatus that he wanted to show to Dookie to tell her that it didn't hurt before he did it. Now he's pinching her shirt and her arm. She's flipping a shit. She's gagging, the puke reflex is coming....

Momma: "Stop, just do it, you're just making it worse."

He does it, and out come this massive shiny pink object. Not paper. Oh no, not even close.

Of course I'm posting a picture of it here!

WTF is this thing? It's a piece of folded over "leather" material that has stitching through it. I've searched and searched and can't figure out what it came from!

More importantly, what possesses Dookie to see this thing and decided to put it in her nose?



Now the doctor is on cloud nine,

Doc: "Oh hahahaha what a pretty pink thing, of course a kid would try to put it in an orifice! Let me check your other nostril and ears, make sure there's no more orifices!"

Ok, dude, you're a creepo.

Luckily, she only chose one orifice today.

So we're finally headed home, I'm exhausted, the baby is overtired and hungry, Dookie has her finger up her nose now. shaking my damn head. I pull up, get the kids inside and find we have no power. I walk over to the neighbors, they don't either. Joy. I can't make dinner! With the power out, there's no excuse not to force the kids for a late nap.  They pass out for a few minutes until the UPS guy comes barreling down the street and the dog goes ballistic. Can my day go any more wrong?

Now the power comes back on, good. I make dinner, put the baby in her seat, get Dookie settled with her ketchup and ranch dressing dinner with side of chicken and veggies. I sit down to eat, and as I put the first bite in my mouth, out the power goes. I got to eat dinner and clean up in the dark.

Ugh, I quit on today. I hope Dookie learned her lesson!

reflections on 9/11

It's not a cheerful walk down memory lane.
It's not a challenge to have the best story,
or to remember exactly where you were, what you were doing and who you were with when it happened.


It's not something to take lightly.
It's not something that should be copied and pasted to your facebook status.
It's not something you tweet in 140 characters or less.

It's something that has changed my life, but not because it happened.
not because I was fortunate to have lost no loved ones.
not because I lived in New York.
not because the smoke and smell carried on the wind for days afterward, making it more than something I saw on the news.

It's something that should have changed your life too. It still can.


It's minutes before midnight, the start to September 11th 2012.
11 years later, and my facebook newsfeed is flooded with "Never Forget" statuses.  I find it disheartening that year after year, SO many people post to "never forget," but doing nothing more than that.

What exactly are they doing by posting that? What are they saying to 'never forget'? Never forget that terrorists flew airplanes into two huge buildings in NYC? Never forget that a plane full of people took down terrorists who were attempting to hit another building? Never forget that a plane full of people crashed into the pentagon building?  The idea of never forgetting these tragic and heinous instances doesn't seem quite productive to me. I understand the intended sentiment behind the statement, to honor our heroes and remember those who've perished. What I don't understand is where "never forget" comes in.  Here, we're falling short.

I said that 9/11/01 changed my life. It wasn't a change for worse, it was a surprised change for the better. 

It's was a rude awakening that life is fragile.
Life is a gift. Life is more than we can imagine, and it can disappear in an instant. I'm never going to take mine, or the life of others for-granted.

I was 16 years old when the towers fell. Out of the rubble came the most astounding sense of community. It is something that has forever left a mark on my heart, and on the way I live and the way I raise my children. Never, in my life, before that day had I seen people so willing to help others. I'd never expect to have seen so many heros rushing in, to save strangers. Some gave their lives so others could keep theirs. These ultimate sacrifices of many brave souls ricocheted throughout our country, unifying us for, the first time in my lifetime. A fire was struck within our souls to be better to each other, to do more for others and to take less for ourselves.

The overwhelming sense of pride in being an American, and the compassion that we all found for our neighbors that day and the weeks and months that follow is something that has became engrained in my person. Something that I've never seen before, and something that I'd be ecstatic to see again.  So much love poured from us in the days that followed 9/11. Our blood banks had lines to donate, people volunteered to help, to rebuild and to better the lives of others.  American flags flew high from every home, car, building.  Our country was strong, with faith unshaken.


Here we are, 11 years later...we've lost it. We've forgotten what's really important. We've stopped helping each other. We've stopped loving each other.

To me, I can't think of a better way to honor our hero's than by trying to live my life as selflessly as they did. I haven't been met with the need to run into a burning building, but I make a conscious effort to go out of my way to help those in need. I make it a point to teach my children that it's better to give your all to others, than to demand it all from them. At the age of 3, my daughter has already given 10 inches of her hair to locks of love to make a wig for a child with cancer. She said that she want's to shave her head bald when she is older for St. Baldrick's, just as her Daddy, Poppa and Uncle's do every year to show solidarity for those that are undergoing cancer treatment. After I organized a toy drive for our Mom's group to donate gently used toys local children in need, my then 2 year old hand selected toys that she no longer uses to donate to children who otherwise wouldn't have toys for Christmas. As she picked each one she kissed it saying good bye and to have fun with a new friend. This past summer I joined my mother and brothers with my baby strapped to my back, and the 3 year old at my side doing yard work and painting for Hope House, a home for wayward young men. Mentioning these things are not intended to gain praise, but rather to lead by example.  Each and every one of us Americans has some sort of talent, time or treasure we can share.

Our work for others is not finished, as long as I'm alive, I will do all that I can to lighten the load of someone else. 

 I wish that everyone really honored our hero's and those we lost, by following in their footsteps. Then, our country would be a much better place. I wish that for every "never forget" status I see each year, that it would be put into action, rather than simply trending on facebook and twitter.

9/11 should be a humble reminder that daily we should all be striving to rekindle that sense of community, compassion and love that 9/11 inadvertently fostered.

If we do, then all those we did lose, weren't lost in vain. and THAT, is what I'll never forget.

it's 10pm, do you know where your kids are?

I was getting ready for bed tonight, and looked at the clock, it was 10:14.
Remember that old PSA commercial?

"It's 10 pm. Do you know where your kids are?"

I turned around to find that Baby Sis had left the room, it was easy to find her, just listen for tapping...

When all of your sweet little kids are sound asleep in their beds, this is just a glimpse of what one of mine doing.


10:14pm

Yep, it's 10 pm, I certainly know where Baby Sis is, why she's tap dancing in her stage, the bathtub!

crap! I blinked!

When my girls were brand spanking new, lots of people would tell me to "enjoy this stage," and "you'll blink and miss this." Of course any overwhelmed Momma shrugs and thinks to herself, 'Ok buddy...I'll miss being up all night and changing shitty diapers...when pigs fly."

I knew I would.

Ok, I wont miss shitty diapers and lack of sleep, I'm pretending I'm a Saint over here. But I DID know that I would blink and have big kids and blink again and have grandbabies. (Meemaw is always telling me that!)
 

BUT WHAT THE HELL MAN?!?! This whole growing up this is flying by WAY to freaking fast!

As you've read in past blog posts about the shit that Dookie says and does, she's like a mini smart ass adult walking around in a child's body. I'm used to that. But my sweet baby sis was supposed to stay small and not be a smart ass (yet)!

Baby Sis is 14 months, stronger than the hulk and determined to be a big girl too.

Strong, like bull!

Yesterday, she PEED on the kid potty. This morning she did it again too! I'm really freaking proud of her, but slow this shit down child!

Here she is this morning, climbed up to the sink, turned it on, and started brushing her teeth on her own. I shit you not. I had NOTHING to do with this.

Oh, and while I'm thinking about it, Dookie does awesome things on her own too:

Helping to grocery shop, "using all of the poop-ons!"

and even taking all of my clean dish towels out of the cabinet...

to fold them up!!

I can't complain, my kids fully rock my world!
I just need another cup of coffee so I don't blink and miss it!

ecard trends

One of the trendiest things to do on Facebook right now is to post ecards. Often they're sexual in nature or just really witty freaking DUMB.

However, I have seen a few that made me lol giggle a tiny bit, (okay fine, maybe I snorted a little).

 

There must be something wrong with me because I find this completely accurate, and kind of inspirational. Well, there's the dysfunction for you. My kids are going to be freaking awesome adults. 

Well, as long as we're talking about dysfunction...

                             

This is pretty much a great summary of Dookie. If she had a cell phone of her own, I'm sure she'd be taking pictures of her turds and texting them to her Daddy and Uncles!

This reminds me of a turding incident that happened last week.  Dookie was watching a movie, grabs the remote, puts it on pause, and runs like the wind to the toilet. She's in there for a bit, takes care of business, admires her crap and puts on the bathroom fan. She then sits at the kitchen table while I finish fixing dinner. A good ten minutes goes by and the noise of the fan in the bathroom starts to bug me so I went in there to turn it off. That shit STANK. 

Momma: "Oh my gosh, Dookie, did Daddy go in the bathroom after you?"

Dookie: "Nope."

Momma: "Holy crap kiddo. That's NASTY. No wonder you put the fan on!"

Dookie:  "The breath of my poo poo is still in there. It's so much smelly!"

Hahaha. Send me your favorite e-cards!

 

pool time!

It's been approximately 1234625738 100 degrees on average for the last week and a half.  Gross.
We've been trying to stay cool, which is not an easy feat if we want to leave the house!

Our friend Panda was so kind as to ask us to come over to her house to swim!

Look at those cuties eating their snacks!

We had hours of fun! Oh, and don't worry, Dookie did a great job making sure we were well protected from the blazing sun....

Check out that Sunscreen Queen...I better get another bottle!

Are you gonna eat that?

If walls could talk, they'd probably tell you that 82.4% of the time Dookie gets in trouble, it's food related. Usually she wants to eat everything in sight. Lots of times she's caught red-handed sneaking food from the fridge, climbing on the kitchen counter, or feeding baby Sis something she shouldn't be.  Food related drama is driving me CRAZY.  Here is a mere glimpse into the fray....

This is a complete breakfast just made me throw up a little bit. Apparently while I was changing Baby Sis' diaper, Dookie took it upon herself to make breakfast. Since I didn't move quickly enough, she was into the dishwasher to get the bowl, and then the fridge to get out a 5lb Costco bag of shredded cheese and the counter to grab a banana. I came downstairs to find the bag of cheese on the floor under the kitchen table, spilled out, and our ENTIRE DOG inside the bag. I wish that I had my phone on hand to get the picture of THAT. You can be sure that she ate up every bit of her cheese coated banana that morning. Gag.

This is a mid morning snack.  Yes, a 2lb block of swiss cheese.

Dookie: "Momma, why'd you take my picture? I didn't say cheese!"

Well, you have enough cheese in your damn hands, so I'm pretty sure you don't have to say it...

cheese face.

I bet you can imagine the face that came next when I took the cheese away...

 

 

It's dinner time! It doesn't matter what it is, it gets ketchup.

Yum, nothing like Spaghetti and ketchup...well, er, how about a ketchup covered tomato?

Hey, at least she's eating something healthier than cheese, oh wait, there's cheese on this plate too.

Look familiar?

awesomeness

It's 100+ degrees here in Hades North Carolina. We're stuck inside. It's a perfect opportunity to stop procrastinating and get some cleaning, laundry and other crap done. Who am I kidding? It's as hot as hell outside, clearly it hasn't frozen over....

so while I was cleaning my house sitting on my ass using facebook, I came across some friends posting this:

It was rather amusing and I knew that it was true.

This morning while I was making breakfast, Daddy left the newspaper on the table, Dookie asked for a pen and paper to draw. This is what I found when I was cleaning up after breakfast.

not even women are exempt from the "moosestache" madness!

 glasses too!

Next I saw this picture.
 I knew at that moment that Dookie was following the lead of a true mastermind. She drew a dude with Peyos. I don't think she's even seen a dude with Peyos before. I was certain that this was a learned skill, rather than her being instinctively awesome. Damn.

Either way, this was pretty freaking awesome. Normally I would say, duh, what's in the cat is in the kitten, but, just this once I can't take ALL the credit.  Daddy is kinda really awesome too.  Apparently a few weeks ago on a Sunday morning, when the paper came, Dookie and Daddy spent the whole time I was in the shower drawing on the pictures.

It's really the silly simple awesome things that make life special.
:)

Dookie's Dictionary

Dookie's Dictionary

Tempertude: (verb) Dookie's state of mind when throwing a shit fit.

       Dookie: "NOOOOOO I don't have a bad tempertude, I'm a girl!" 
Yeah, we'll ya know I think your daddy would have to think something different about that one. 



Peaner Jelly: (noun) A paste made of ground peanuts, often known as Peanut Butter.
  
       Dookie: "Peaner Jelly, there's a Peter Pan on the bottle, and Daddy really loves it.  I'm only gonna eat it next week."

I'm ridiculously immature and inappropriate and bust a gut laughing every time she says Peaner Jelly.  And yes, Daddy really loves Peaner. LMAO



Chimpmunks: (noun) A small chunk or lump of chicken that is breaded and fried. Mainly known as a chicken nugget.

Dookie: "I only eat the Chipmunks from Chik-Fil-A."
Momma: "But what about Alvin and the chipmunks? Is that what you're eating?"
Dookie: "NO! It's a chimpmunk nugget."
Momma: "Chip and Dale? Chimpanzee?"
Dookie: "Stop it, you're making me mad! I said stop being so weird."


hehehe.

a quick conversation

Dookie: I farted in your face!
Baby Sis: bahgahbaaa.
Dookie: Do you smell it?
Baby Sis: gagabarg.
Dookie: It smells like a dead animal.

My kids scare me.

My kids scare me.


I know what you're probably thinking, those two cuties, scary? Haha. Then you'll think, oh yeah, I cant wait for her to say something funny about its scary how cute/smart/funny they are.

Nope.

The scare the SHIT out of me. Not just a little creepy, but a full blown change MY diaper, I crapped my pants scared.

 First let me explain that I believe in ghosts, and I believe that some people are more open to communicating, seeing or experiencing these occurrences. You don't need to believe too to understand how my kids scare the crap out of me, just remember that I believe it's possible.

Dookie has, since she was about 20 months, been playing imaginatively (or at least I hope it's just her imagination.) She plays with a girl named Hume. She's described her on several occasions as a girl with short brown curly hair. Dookie will look off in a different part of a room, speak to Hume, pause for response, and continue conversation. She'll pick up a toy phone and speak to Hume for a solid 30 minutes. The conversation never lulls and has an organic flow. How could she be making this up? What small child has this incredible attention span to hold a conversation with an imaginary friend? Sometimes she'll be talking to me, and look past me and say Hi to Hume. There's no way I'm turning around, I don't want to know who's what's behind me.  If Dookie wants to talk to a ghost, that's her business, I'm too busy shitting my pants.  You're on your own kid. At least she has a good relationship with Hume, and they're friends.



Baby Sis scares the shit out of me too.

watch baby sis be creepy here

I'm only laughing out of fear. It totally creeps me out. She'll be talking in her sweet baby voice, and switch over to this scary voice, then back to sweet.  She does it really frequently. There's nothing like hearing "I love you" growled from your tiny baby. Hearing it warms your soul soils your underwear.
Baby Sis does the creepo routine so frequently, when we were watching Ghostbusters, and saw this scene,

Instead of being terrified like any right minded 3 year old, Dookie says: "Oh, that's like my Baby Sis!"  Yes, your beautiful baby sister is Zool.  Great. Just.freaking.awesome.

Have you ever seen the movie, The Ring? I really resent the fact that my friends made me watch it with them in college. I'll never get the image of Samara climbing out of the well out of my mind. I'll post the link to the clip so you can know what I'm talking about if you haven't seen it. (Of course, I can't confirm that it is actually the right clip, because I can't/wont bring myself to clicking play on it to verify or even posting it directly here in case by accident it began to play.) The Ring Clip

For a while, when learning to crawl, Baby Sis would do this funky crawl when her leg would come out to the side and front and totally reminded me of this movie. She would crawl really fast in this freaky way.

In fact, Baby Sis takes the cake for scaring 10 years off my life. I have never been more scared than I was a few months ago. Daddy took Dookie up to bed, and I nursed Baby Sis to sleep on a blanket on the living room floor. She was sound asleep, and I was watching TV, and doing some work in the kitchen. It was late, and quiet, the lights were low. Usually if Baby Sis does wake up, she'll sit up and fuss or cry, and I can go back to tend to her.  I can see her sound asleep, and I am doing my work. A few minutes go by, and I look up because I catch something out of the corner of my eye coming out of the living room. Picture this little baby, coming in her creepy crawl and full speed, growling like Zool saying "Momma!!!!!" My heart sank into my stomach, I couldn't get away fast enough. Thankfully her Daddy was able to get her and put her back to sleep because I was ready to vomit. Stop laughing. This was a very traumatic experience for me, and I fully intend on torturing Baby Sis with it at her wedding one day.

If my kids are anything like my Pop and my Granny (they already have the same sense of humor), they're going to catch onto how easy it is to scare me and use it to their full advantage. I'm in a world of trouble.

*Disclaimer- This blog gives no permission for my Husband, Pop, or Brothers or Granny to use my kids against me!!!!!!**

Night time is the right time?

Night time is an interesting time in our household.  Anyone that knows me well knows that my kids don't have a bedtime, and both sleep in bed with Momma and Daddy. We're crunchy like that.

This provides tons of entertainment for me, who stays awake putzing around on the computer much later than I should. If I was asleep too,  not only would I miss the nightly 4-part fart symphony (the damn dog sleeps with us too) but I would have missed these gems, as everyone talks in their sleep.



Dookie: "I heard him fart on me." I wonder who "Him" was....

Baby Sis:  "Arrrrrrrgrrrrrrrahhhhh  grrrrrrra  ninny."  Think exorsist. I had a hard time sleeping after that one. Nothing like my own little milk sucking vampire baby scaring the shit out of me.

Daddy: "Just tell me where the pickles are."  So typical for Daddy, concerned about food, even in his sleep. 

Dookie:  "No, I'm not gonna go to bed. It's not dark out." Actually, it's 12:32, and you've been asleep for a few hours. lol

 Dookie: "Where are the penguin's ninnies?"  This one made me laugh so hard I snorted, waking Baby Sis up.
 

Ninnies, according to Dookie

A brief history of Ninnies.
according to Dookie


Dookie: "Daddy, you have nibbles (nipples) but not ninnies. You don't have milk. Only Momma. Momma's have milky. And MeeMaw. MeeMaw used to have milky but her ninnies are broken. They're dried up because she gave so many babies all the milky all gone. And she pumped them. Hahaha, you have nibbles. That's so silly. "

Dookie: "Momma, my poppa says that big moo cows have rudders. That's their ninnies, they're so huge, like a big bag. Did you know that, Momma? And cows don't make chocolate milky, they only make white milky, then you have to add the chocolate after. Did you know that, Momma? Then Momma, you have to add chocolate to your milky too Momma. HAHAHA Chocolate Ninny milk, give that to Baby Sis!"

Dookie Knows Best

Dookie Knows Best: A collection of things that I, clearly, am wrong about.



 At the grocery store, I was trying to swipe my credit card while Baby Sis was crying. I wasn't paying attention, and was doing it backwards. Dookie took my card, turned it in the right direction, and swiped.
Dookie: "You were doing it wrong silly butt-butt Momma."



I was singing along in the car to "Glad You Came" by the Wanted.
Dookie: "STOP SINGING IT. You don't know the words. The Sun comes down, the stars come out, and all that counts is here and now, my universe will never be the same, I'm glad you came, poopie head."




Dookie:  "Momma, we NEED to get one of those bigger playsets and houses for my yard."
Momma: "No, baby, we need to wait a bit until Baby Sis is a bit bigger and wont get hurt."
Dookie: "No, Momma, you need to WATCH her."
Momma: "Baby, they're expensive they cost a lot of money, and we don't have the extra money for it right now."
Dookie: "No, Momma, Daddy does. He goes to work and has a wallet."

"This week" in Dookieland

This week has been interesting to say the least. Dookie has decided that she lives in her own realm and is the dictator. All other authoritarians (ie: MOM) don't get a say.

Rules that don't actually exist in Dookieland:

1. eating 3 string cheeses are 2 too many.
2. Eating 4 Googy eggs (hardboiled) for a snack is probably too many.
3. Opening the refrigerator and swinging from the door is not a good idea.
4. Smashing Baby Sis' head into said refrigerator door is also not a good idea.
5. eating 4 string cheeses are 3 too many.
6. eating 3 mini bagels for lunch is 2 too many.
7. eating 5 string cheeses are 4 too many....
8. feeding the dog eggshells is cruel
9. stop opening the fridge!
10. SERIOUSLY, GTFO of my damn fridge!



See a pattern? This kid eats like she has a tapeworm eats like her Daddy!
NEVER STOPS.

 Every time I try to stop Dookie, or direct her to a fruit or veggie snack or meal item, she throws a ridiculous temper tantrum. She's on the floor, kicking, screaming, wailing her brains out. Then Baby Sis, comes barreling into the room to see why her big sister is throwing a shit fit, decides that she's gonna jump on that train too. For no reason at all Baby Sis throws herself back in a dramatic tizzy. Of course she slams her little 11 month old head on the floor or a wall and actually gives herself a reason to cry.

Two kids, laying on the floor having a full blown pity party, and me, just standing in the kitchen watching. Sometimes they're both so dramatic, I wonder if I should pop some popcorn and put my feet up, it's like a double feature.  Total drama queens, they must get it from their mother father.

Holy crap, I look at the clock it's just 11 am.
This week has been like groundhog day, if not string cheese, it's mini bagels, or googy eggs. I tried to explain to Dookie 467123516 times that if she eats that many of those things, she'll get a stomach ache and constipated. She doesn't give a shit what I'm saying. "Wah Wah Womp Wah Wah." Is all that she hears, think Charlie Brown's teacher.

Then, after her 5th string cheese of the day, she sits on the toilet for a solid 20 minutes grunting like an old man.

Daddy: "What's wrong, baby? Are you okay in there?"
Dookie: "Gah! I have hurtin' poo-poos again. (yeah, Momma's real freaking surprised.)  It's like a rock in my butt-butt!"
Daddy: "See, didn't Momma tell you not to eat that many bagels and string cheeses?"
Dookie: "But my Poppa told me the string cheese has calciums! I'll just do the big horse poo-poos. Get out! I need PRIVACY!" ::slams the door shut::

A few minutes later she triumphantly leaves the bathroom, and sends Momma, Daddy and Baby Sis on a force march to see her "big, huge, GIANT (arms spread) Horse Poopoo!" Awesome. I better be impressed...

Momma: "Wow, baby that must've hurt, see why I said you need to eat a variety of foods and not just bread, and string cheese."

I turn around, she's in the fridge again, getting another f*cking string cheese.

   Dookie and her Googy Egg. (It's a hard boiled egg)

"Momma, get out your Iphone and take a picture of my Googy egg. It looks EXACTLY like a ninny!"

All about Daddy, by Dookie

All about my Daddy!
 by Dookie, age 3

as seen on Me So Cary


1. What is something Daddy always says to you? 

"I love you."  Gee, thanks, I tell you not to touch my straightener but Daddy says I love you. Damn.

2. What makes Daddy happy? 

"Um, laughing. Makin' silly faces. (makes silly faces)" Apparently both Daddy and I are insanely happy and enjoy silly faces!

3. What makes Daddy sad? 

"Um, He doesn't do that."


  
4. How does your Daddy make you laugh? 

"He roars, like a t-rex."
 
5. What was your Daddy like as a child? 

"a teeny-tiny poopie head!!"
 
6. How old is your Daddy? 

"Seven!"
 
7. How tall is your Daddy? 

"So big!"
 
8. What is Daddy's favorite thing to do? 

"fartin' he goes poop a lotta times."
 
9. What does your Daddy do when you are not home? 

"Um, let me think about that. Hum. Hum. Work."

 
10. If your Daddy becomes famous, what will it be for? 

"What? TFGK. Tell me Mommy."
 
11. What is your Daddy really good at? 

"Um, workin, going to the car wash."  No, not workin' at the car wash, yeah!

12. What is your Daddy not good at? 

"pictures, or cookin."
 
13. What does your Daddy do for a job? 

"workin' on the computer. Eatin' pizza and dunkin donuts on the street." When we visit Daddy at work, we always get pizza and dunkin' donuts!
 
14. What is your Daddy's favorite food?
"Pickles. and carrots and broccoli! And Broccoli! And pickles, and green! His favorite color is green and blue and pink. "

15. What makes you proud of your Daddy? 

"Playin' his games, and playing on his computer with me."

16. If your Daddy were a cartoon character, who would she be? 

"A man cartoon, his name is Shaughnessy." Again? Hey, that's my name!!
 
17. What do you and your Daddy do together? 

"We go to car wash!!! We put seeds in the bird feeder and ate ice cream out of the container yesterday! You we'rent home Momma, he said it's a secret."
 
18. How are you and your Daddy the same? 

"Um, I dont know. I'm too busy ok, I'll talk to you in a minute, ok? "

19. How are you and your Daddy different? 

"I said in a minute."
 
20. How do you know your Daddy loves you?
"uh, because I kiss him."

21. What does your Daddy like most about your Momma? 

 "huggin and kissin"


22. Where is your Daddy's favorite place to go?
 "to Sesame street"

All About My Mom, by Dookie

All about my Momma, by Dookie, Age 3
(as seen on Me So Cary)


1. What is something mom always says to you? 

"No touching your hair straightenin' iron thing. It's hot and I'm gonna get burned on my fingers and my all my blood will come out."
 
2. What makes mom happy? 

"Um, laughing. Makin' silly faces. (makes silly faces) That's funny? Silly faces make you happy, that's so funny, it's like a poopie head!"

3. What makes mom sad? 

"Um, crying. Makin' mean faces, um, are you gonna ask me what makes you really really mad?"
So, what makes Mommy really really mad? "Not behavin', being mean to Sissy."
  
4. How does your mom make you laugh? 

"Makin' silly faces. Momma, make a silly face so I can laugh now. Make a bubble! (Blows spit bubble.) That's funny? Do it, I'll laugh."
 
5. What was your mom like as a child? 

"Playin', a baby doll. You liked to play with an owl. When I was a really little kid, I fell down and cried really really hard, when I was a little little baby, did you know that? I was a baby. (Screaming and laughing) I farted on your face! " Some attention span there. Haha.
 
6. How old is your mom? 

"So big!!" (Baby Sis does "So Big" too) laughing ensues.
 
7. How tall is your mom? 

"I have little feet, Mommy. I have little feet, let me show you how I walk. (Runs around kitchen island screaming,) I can't stop, whooooooah!"
 
8. What is her favorite thing to do? 

"Paint. Paint a picture. And play playdough, and go to Disney and the pumpkin patch, and picking strawberries too."
 
9. What does your mom do when you are not home? 

"Goes to Taco Bell, and you'll stay all by yourself and you can do it because you're bigger."
She's referring to one time when I stayed home and she and sissy and Daddy went to pick up Taco Bell. She told Daddy that she needed to be "rushed home because I realized nobody was baby sittin' you!"
 
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? 

"What? Ugh, I don't know. That was silly."
 
11. What is your mom really good at? 

"Painting. Playdough. You're a good mommy, and a good cook. You're good at pickin' out stuff at the grocery store."
 
12. What is your mom not good at? 

"Makin' some paint." Lol okay.
 
13. What does your mom do for a job? 

"Makin' cupcake cakes. Hurm, makin' dinner." She's right! I do make cupcakes! www.jennyscupcakery.com
 
14. What is your mom's favorite food?
"Pickles. Mmmhum, absolutely. (Cracks up.)"  
She finds this amusing. Pickle's are not my favorite.

15. What makes you proud of your mom? 

"Paintin' a picture, Momma. Hey, Mommy, you're good at pickin' some flowers for me when I was a little baby. " Um, thanks?

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? 

"A lady cartoon. Your cartoon name is Shaughnessy."
 
17. What do you and your mom do together? 

"We go to the kids museum, I just made you a picture. Wanna see it?"
 
18. How are you and your mom the same? 

"Um, I dont know. (laughs) We both have silly butt-butts. "

19. How are you and your mom different? 

"I don't know. We are."
 
20. How do you know your mom loves you?
"Cuz' you kiss me."

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? 

 "What kind of Daddy do you like? Kevin."


22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
 "Hum, let's think about that. Dunkin' donuts."

wax on, wax off

Mr. Miagi would be so proud in Dookie's mastering the ways of waxing....

Dookie and Baby Sis were playing quietly in the playroom. I was working in the kitchen. Dookie thinks she's slick, quietly sneaking out of the playroom in one of those over dramatic tip-toe motions that's so slow and over exaggerated, a blind person could see her. She grabs up some paper towels, runs to the play room. She likes to clean her toy kitchen and wipe the baby's "huge, HUGE (arms spread out as wide as she can) HUGE-MOUNGOUS boogers." So, I didn't mind the theft.

A few minutes later, back she creeps, with the grace of a herd of stampeding elephants. This time she grabs one of my measuring cups, and fills it with water from the refrigerator. That's when I knew it was on like Donkey Kong. No good can come from a cup of water in a playroom.

I stick my head into the playroom to see her with one of her baby dolls. She was rubbing water on it's imaginary eyebrows and "moosestache." Then, Dookie tears a strip of paper towel and with great expertise lined it up on the eyebrow, gingerly smoothed it, then ripped it off violently.

Dookie: "Momma! LOOK WHAT I DID! I'm waxing the baby, it's way too, so much hairy. Gross!"
Momma: (laughing) "What is waxing?"
Dookie: "You know Momma, like when you're so hairy like a grown up! The lady says, (mimics accent) 'Ok, you lay down here now,' and then she rips all your hair off with a paper towel!"

To add insult to injury, she finishes the baby up with a "moosestache" wax. Then she puts on her best accent and says,

"Ok, you lay down here now," and instructs me to lay on the couch because I'm next.

I take her to the museum, to the park, to the library. I read to her constantly. I teach her how to grocery shop and to cook.  I try so hard to teach her good skills. I'm so glad that it's THIS lesson she's learned.  Awesome.

Sigh. Wax on, Wax off.

the fart pool

A Quiet Evening at home:

Things went well tonight. Dookie actually ate her dinner.  Granted it was with "snippers" (bbq tongs) instead of a fork, and half a bottle of ketchup, but baby steps people.

 Then after dinner, it was time for a bath. They were having fun, playing with their bath toys and each other. Then out of the blue, Baby Sis lets out a huge fart that reverberated against the bottom of the bath tub. Baby Sis starts laughing as the bubbles pop out of the water.  Dookie, says, "Hey, it's bubbles, like a hot pool (tub)! Fart again! We'll have a fart pool party!"

tiny tea party

We had a tea party in the playroom today. Dookie was the host; Baby Sis and myself were the guests.

Dookie: "Momma I made you tea!"
I pretend to drink the tea.
Dookie: "It was spit up."
Momma: "Thanks."

I'd hate to find out what the "Chocolate tea" is....

Meet Dookie!

Friends have been telling me to do it for months, and I'm finally doing it. I can't resist any longer. I'm creating a blog about the hysterical things that come out of my daughter's mouth or happen in my home.  Shit like this deserves to be shared with the world. Hopefully this blog will entertain you as much as it does me.

Welcome to "Teeny Tiny Poopie Head." Which, apparently, is the FUNNIEST insult EVER.  Dookie says it and nearly pisses her pants in laughter every time. Typically when someone is a poopie head, I would tend to think they'd be a HUGE poopie head, but no, Teeny Tiny poopie head is soooooo much worse.

This is my Dookie.  She's three and is awesome. Why Dookie? Who, in their right mind, calls their kid something associated with feces?! Well, it's a (small) step up from my nickname, Pookie. Which my Pop gave me as a baby. Why? Well, obviously because I "pooped and puked at the same time." Yep. Almost 27 years of Pookie going strong. People always ask, and Pop LOVES to tell them why he calls me Pookie. Nothing like a fresh smattering of embarrassment to toughen you up.
So, when my little clone was born, she was Pookie 2, but that got too confusing and Pop started calling her Dookie. And there you have it....destined to poop. a lot.

In fact, her newest obsession is calling you in when she's taking a dump. This is an actual conversation between Dookie and Daddy yesterday:

Dookie: (in a sing song voice) "Daaaaddy come here, I want you."
He goes to her in the bathroom.
Daddy: "Yes, baby?"
Dookie:" Hahhahahah, I made you smell my poooo-op. I stunk it up in here!"
Daddy: "That's nasty."
Dookie: "No, it's natural."

Seriously. Where the hell does she come up with these things? I'm not certain but, I have my suspicions....she's got 4 Uncles that teach her lots of terrible awesome things, and something tells me that her sicko father has a lot to do with it.  I'm fairly certain the "it's natural" part came from my Pop.

So today, while in her "office." She tried to lure Daddy in again.

Dookie: "Daaaaaaaaaaddy. May I please ask you a question?" (This is her newest thing that Pop taught her because she interrupts you every two seconds of life. So now, she repeats this sentence every. two. seconds.)
Daddy: "What is it, baby?"
Dookie: "Come in here, pleeeeeease?"
Daddy: Sighs. Goes to the bathroom. "Yes?"
Dookie: "I stunk it up again, it's horse poo-poo. BWAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA" (Her laugh is sinister)



....And so begins the adventures of my teeny tiny poopie head!