Like a booger, just waiting to be picked.

I guess I can consider myself lucky that today was our first real emergency adventure with Dookie, we made it nearly 4 years without incident. Until today...dun, dun, duuuuun.

No, my sweet girl didn't fall down the stairs, or bump her head. Her bones are all intact.  No fever, no rash....oh no, not my kid.  Mine is extra special, she had to go because she shoved something up her nose, and got it stuck.

The child that always blows people away with her intellect and maturity, the same one that has people telling me how bright and advanced she is, stuck what she called "paper" up her right nostril, and lodging it up there. She's so smart, but sooooo dumb.

What makes a child think, "Ooooh let me stick ::foreign object:: up my nose?" Most kids don't even let their mom wipe/blow their nose, pulling out the nasal aspirator or in our house, talk or sight of the BOOGER SUCKER makes them run and hide under the bed or in the closet.

I'm still shaking my head. It blows my nose, er, mind.

Here's how it went down:

I'm standing in the kitchen cleaning up and she comes running in from the living room hysterically crying. I knew it had to be serious because she would never leave "Santa Paws" without reason. Yes it IS only September 12. We're not here to talk about that. ;-)


Momma: "Whoah, why are you crying, whats wrong?"
Dookie: "It's stuck in my nose! WAHHHWAHHHHOMGWAHHHCALLANEMERGENCYYYYY"
Momma: Calm down, WHAT is in your nose? A booger? Stop over reacting, here's a tissue."
Dookie: "WAHHHHH gasp snort hack A PAPER!!!!! "
Momma: "How did a paper get stuck in your nose?"

I look up her nose, and sure enough there's a "paper." From what I could tell looking up her snoz looked like a crumbled ball of paper, but it was hard to see since it was SO far up there. After a few minutes of trying to get her to blow her nose out, but she only sucked in more and more, I thought it might be a good idea to get out the dreaded booger sucker. I shoved that bad boy into her now bleeding nostril and thought to myself that paper should come right out. Nope, nothing. I get a flash light. I can barely see it now.

Crap, I made it worse. What the fuck am I going to do?
Now she's laying on the floor, panicked. Screaming at the top of her lungs.
Remember when I told you about Baby Sis throwing tantrums when she sees her sister doing it? Awesome. Two screaming, writhing messes, one bleeding from the nose. I'm so lucky.

Welp, now it's time to go to the Emergency. I call her Daddy to tell him where we're going, and he's thrilled. OF COURSE, Dookie hears this and is crying even harder.

Dookie: "I'M BLEEDING, I'M DYING. I DON'T WANT AN EMERGENCY. I DON'T WANT AN AMBULANCE, THEY DON'T HAVE A CAR SEAT. WAHHHHHHHH"

I throw clothes on the baby, shoes on all of us and put them both in the car and off we go.

Thank God for my good friend, Jenny, who hopped in the car and came to my rescue to help with the baby when I had to go in the exam room. Her son distracted the panicked Dookie and they watched cartoons for the two hour wait.

We finally get in and the doctor is THRILLED. He's like pumped up to see us.

Doc: "Hahaha, Hi Mom! How are you today? I love this age, they're so interested in orifices."
Momma: "Yes, usually it's just fingers but today, not so much."
Doc: "Yeah anything that fits in those orifices are a kids favorite. Can this fit in my orifice? Will that go in my orifice?"

Yeah dude, I get the picture. Seriously? Say "orifice" to me one more time and I might barf, or punch you. We waited two fucking hours with 3 kids in the waiting room, get the fucking flash light and get the paper out.

Doc: "Ok little lady, lay back here and I'm going to look with my flash light and see what you put up your orifice."   

dickface.

Dookie does some sort of karate chop/jump/kick/fly through the air. She's escaped both myself and the doctor and is trying to get out the door of the room. So, I did what any Mom would do, I got her back, gave her a hug, told her it's not going to hurt.

Then, I sat on her.

So here we are, both on the exam table, with her body pinned down under my legs and her head in my crotch. It looked like I was giving birth to her again.  She's screaming bloody murder, I'm wrestling her with all my might, using my thighs and my hands to attempt to keep her head immobile.
Here comes the doctor with his little flashlight headband, ready to pick my kids nose and shove his face in my lap.

How did I end up in this fiasco?!
Oh yes, my daughter shoved "paper" up her nose.
I'm so lucky!

The doctor had some special tweezer-like apparatus that he wanted to show to Dookie to tell her that it didn't hurt before he did it. Now he's pinching her shirt and her arm. She's flipping a shit. She's gagging, the puke reflex is coming....

Momma: "Stop, just do it, you're just making it worse."

He does it, and out come this massive shiny pink object. Not paper. Oh no, not even close.

Of course I'm posting a picture of it here!

WTF is this thing? It's a piece of folded over "leather" material that has stitching through it. I've searched and searched and can't figure out what it came from!

More importantly, what possesses Dookie to see this thing and decided to put it in her nose?



Now the doctor is on cloud nine,

Doc: "Oh hahahaha what a pretty pink thing, of course a kid would try to put it in an orifice! Let me check your other nostril and ears, make sure there's no more orifices!"

Ok, dude, you're a creepo.

Luckily, she only chose one orifice today.

So we're finally headed home, I'm exhausted, the baby is overtired and hungry, Dookie has her finger up her nose now. shaking my damn head. I pull up, get the kids inside and find we have no power. I walk over to the neighbors, they don't either. Joy. I can't make dinner! With the power out, there's no excuse not to force the kids for a late nap.  They pass out for a few minutes until the UPS guy comes barreling down the street and the dog goes ballistic. Can my day go any more wrong?

Now the power comes back on, good. I make dinner, put the baby in her seat, get Dookie settled with her ketchup and ranch dressing dinner with side of chicken and veggies. I sit down to eat, and as I put the first bite in my mouth, out the power goes. I got to eat dinner and clean up in the dark.

Ugh, I quit on today. I hope Dookie learned her lesson!