Are you gonna eat that?

If walls could talk, they'd probably tell you that 82.4% of the time Dookie gets in trouble, it's food related. Usually she wants to eat everything in sight. Lots of times she's caught red-handed sneaking food from the fridge, climbing on the kitchen counter, or feeding baby Sis something she shouldn't be.  Food related drama is driving me CRAZY.  Here is a mere glimpse into the fray....

This is a complete breakfast just made me throw up a little bit. Apparently while I was changing Baby Sis' diaper, Dookie took it upon herself to make breakfast. Since I didn't move quickly enough, she was into the dishwasher to get the bowl, and then the fridge to get out a 5lb Costco bag of shredded cheese and the counter to grab a banana. I came downstairs to find the bag of cheese on the floor under the kitchen table, spilled out, and our ENTIRE DOG inside the bag. I wish that I had my phone on hand to get the picture of THAT. You can be sure that she ate up every bit of her cheese coated banana that morning. Gag.

This is a mid morning snack.  Yes, a 2lb block of swiss cheese.

Dookie: "Momma, why'd you take my picture? I didn't say cheese!"

Well, you have enough cheese in your damn hands, so I'm pretty sure you don't have to say it...

cheese face.

I bet you can imagine the face that came next when I took the cheese away...

 

 

It's dinner time! It doesn't matter what it is, it gets ketchup.

Yum, nothing like Spaghetti and ketchup...well, er, how about a ketchup covered tomato?

Hey, at least she's eating something healthier than cheese, oh wait, there's cheese on this plate too.

Look familiar?

awesomeness

It's 100+ degrees here in Hades North Carolina. We're stuck inside. It's a perfect opportunity to stop procrastinating and get some cleaning, laundry and other crap done. Who am I kidding? It's as hot as hell outside, clearly it hasn't frozen over....

so while I was cleaning my house sitting on my ass using facebook, I came across some friends posting this:

It was rather amusing and I knew that it was true.

This morning while I was making breakfast, Daddy left the newspaper on the table, Dookie asked for a pen and paper to draw. This is what I found when I was cleaning up after breakfast.

not even women are exempt from the "moosestache" madness!

 glasses too!

Next I saw this picture.
 I knew at that moment that Dookie was following the lead of a true mastermind. She drew a dude with Peyos. I don't think she's even seen a dude with Peyos before. I was certain that this was a learned skill, rather than her being instinctively awesome. Damn.

Either way, this was pretty freaking awesome. Normally I would say, duh, what's in the cat is in the kitten, but, just this once I can't take ALL the credit.  Daddy is kinda really awesome too.  Apparently a few weeks ago on a Sunday morning, when the paper came, Dookie and Daddy spent the whole time I was in the shower drawing on the pictures.

It's really the silly simple awesome things that make life special.
:)

Dookie's Dictionary

Dookie's Dictionary

Tempertude: (verb) Dookie's state of mind when throwing a shit fit.

       Dookie: "NOOOOOO I don't have a bad tempertude, I'm a girl!" 
Yeah, we'll ya know I think your daddy would have to think something different about that one. 



Peaner Jelly: (noun) A paste made of ground peanuts, often known as Peanut Butter.
  
       Dookie: "Peaner Jelly, there's a Peter Pan on the bottle, and Daddy really loves it.  I'm only gonna eat it next week."

I'm ridiculously immature and inappropriate and bust a gut laughing every time she says Peaner Jelly.  And yes, Daddy really loves Peaner. LMAO



Chimpmunks: (noun) A small chunk or lump of chicken that is breaded and fried. Mainly known as a chicken nugget.

Dookie: "I only eat the Chipmunks from Chik-Fil-A."
Momma: "But what about Alvin and the chipmunks? Is that what you're eating?"
Dookie: "NO! It's a chimpmunk nugget."
Momma: "Chip and Dale? Chimpanzee?"
Dookie: "Stop it, you're making me mad! I said stop being so weird."


hehehe.

a quick conversation

Dookie: I farted in your face!
Baby Sis: bahgahbaaa.
Dookie: Do you smell it?
Baby Sis: gagabarg.
Dookie: It smells like a dead animal.

My kids scare me.

My kids scare me.


I know what you're probably thinking, those two cuties, scary? Haha. Then you'll think, oh yeah, I cant wait for her to say something funny about its scary how cute/smart/funny they are.

Nope.

The scare the SHIT out of me. Not just a little creepy, but a full blown change MY diaper, I crapped my pants scared.

 First let me explain that I believe in ghosts, and I believe that some people are more open to communicating, seeing or experiencing these occurrences. You don't need to believe too to understand how my kids scare the crap out of me, just remember that I believe it's possible.

Dookie has, since she was about 20 months, been playing imaginatively (or at least I hope it's just her imagination.) She plays with a girl named Hume. She's described her on several occasions as a girl with short brown curly hair. Dookie will look off in a different part of a room, speak to Hume, pause for response, and continue conversation. She'll pick up a toy phone and speak to Hume for a solid 30 minutes. The conversation never lulls and has an organic flow. How could she be making this up? What small child has this incredible attention span to hold a conversation with an imaginary friend? Sometimes she'll be talking to me, and look past me and say Hi to Hume. There's no way I'm turning around, I don't want to know who's what's behind me.  If Dookie wants to talk to a ghost, that's her business, I'm too busy shitting my pants.  You're on your own kid. At least she has a good relationship with Hume, and they're friends.



Baby Sis scares the shit out of me too.

watch baby sis be creepy here

I'm only laughing out of fear. It totally creeps me out. She'll be talking in her sweet baby voice, and switch over to this scary voice, then back to sweet.  She does it really frequently. There's nothing like hearing "I love you" growled from your tiny baby. Hearing it warms your soul soils your underwear.
Baby Sis does the creepo routine so frequently, when we were watching Ghostbusters, and saw this scene,

Instead of being terrified like any right minded 3 year old, Dookie says: "Oh, that's like my Baby Sis!"  Yes, your beautiful baby sister is Zool.  Great. Just.freaking.awesome.

Have you ever seen the movie, The Ring? I really resent the fact that my friends made me watch it with them in college. I'll never get the image of Samara climbing out of the well out of my mind. I'll post the link to the clip so you can know what I'm talking about if you haven't seen it. (Of course, I can't confirm that it is actually the right clip, because I can't/wont bring myself to clicking play on it to verify or even posting it directly here in case by accident it began to play.) The Ring Clip

For a while, when learning to crawl, Baby Sis would do this funky crawl when her leg would come out to the side and front and totally reminded me of this movie. She would crawl really fast in this freaky way.

In fact, Baby Sis takes the cake for scaring 10 years off my life. I have never been more scared than I was a few months ago. Daddy took Dookie up to bed, and I nursed Baby Sis to sleep on a blanket on the living room floor. She was sound asleep, and I was watching TV, and doing some work in the kitchen. It was late, and quiet, the lights were low. Usually if Baby Sis does wake up, she'll sit up and fuss or cry, and I can go back to tend to her.  I can see her sound asleep, and I am doing my work. A few minutes go by, and I look up because I catch something out of the corner of my eye coming out of the living room. Picture this little baby, coming in her creepy crawl and full speed, growling like Zool saying "Momma!!!!!" My heart sank into my stomach, I couldn't get away fast enough. Thankfully her Daddy was able to get her and put her back to sleep because I was ready to vomit. Stop laughing. This was a very traumatic experience for me, and I fully intend on torturing Baby Sis with it at her wedding one day.

If my kids are anything like my Pop and my Granny (they already have the same sense of humor), they're going to catch onto how easy it is to scare me and use it to their full advantage. I'm in a world of trouble.

*Disclaimer- This blog gives no permission for my Husband, Pop, or Brothers or Granny to use my kids against me!!!!!!**

Night time is the right time?

Night time is an interesting time in our household.  Anyone that knows me well knows that my kids don't have a bedtime, and both sleep in bed with Momma and Daddy. We're crunchy like that.

This provides tons of entertainment for me, who stays awake putzing around on the computer much later than I should. If I was asleep too,  not only would I miss the nightly 4-part fart symphony (the damn dog sleeps with us too) but I would have missed these gems, as everyone talks in their sleep.



Dookie: "I heard him fart on me." I wonder who "Him" was....

Baby Sis:  "Arrrrrrrgrrrrrrrahhhhh  grrrrrrra  ninny."  Think exorsist. I had a hard time sleeping after that one. Nothing like my own little milk sucking vampire baby scaring the shit out of me.

Daddy: "Just tell me where the pickles are."  So typical for Daddy, concerned about food, even in his sleep. 

Dookie:  "No, I'm not gonna go to bed. It's not dark out." Actually, it's 12:32, and you've been asleep for a few hours. lol

 Dookie: "Where are the penguin's ninnies?"  This one made me laugh so hard I snorted, waking Baby Sis up.
 

Ninnies, according to Dookie

A brief history of Ninnies.
according to Dookie


Dookie: "Daddy, you have nibbles (nipples) but not ninnies. You don't have milk. Only Momma. Momma's have milky. And MeeMaw. MeeMaw used to have milky but her ninnies are broken. They're dried up because she gave so many babies all the milky all gone. And she pumped them. Hahaha, you have nibbles. That's so silly. "

Dookie: "Momma, my poppa says that big moo cows have rudders. That's their ninnies, they're so huge, like a big bag. Did you know that, Momma? And cows don't make chocolate milky, they only make white milky, then you have to add the chocolate after. Did you know that, Momma? Then Momma, you have to add chocolate to your milky too Momma. HAHAHA Chocolate Ninny milk, give that to Baby Sis!"

Dookie Knows Best

Dookie Knows Best: A collection of things that I, clearly, am wrong about.



 At the grocery store, I was trying to swipe my credit card while Baby Sis was crying. I wasn't paying attention, and was doing it backwards. Dookie took my card, turned it in the right direction, and swiped.
Dookie: "You were doing it wrong silly butt-butt Momma."



I was singing along in the car to "Glad You Came" by the Wanted.
Dookie: "STOP SINGING IT. You don't know the words. The Sun comes down, the stars come out, and all that counts is here and now, my universe will never be the same, I'm glad you came, poopie head."




Dookie:  "Momma, we NEED to get one of those bigger playsets and houses for my yard."
Momma: "No, baby, we need to wait a bit until Baby Sis is a bit bigger and wont get hurt."
Dookie: "No, Momma, you need to WATCH her."
Momma: "Baby, they're expensive they cost a lot of money, and we don't have the extra money for it right now."
Dookie: "No, Momma, Daddy does. He goes to work and has a wallet."

"This week" in Dookieland

This week has been interesting to say the least. Dookie has decided that she lives in her own realm and is the dictator. All other authoritarians (ie: MOM) don't get a say.

Rules that don't actually exist in Dookieland:

1. eating 3 string cheeses are 2 too many.
2. Eating 4 Googy eggs (hardboiled) for a snack is probably too many.
3. Opening the refrigerator and swinging from the door is not a good idea.
4. Smashing Baby Sis' head into said refrigerator door is also not a good idea.
5. eating 4 string cheeses are 3 too many.
6. eating 3 mini bagels for lunch is 2 too many.
7. eating 5 string cheeses are 4 too many....
8. feeding the dog eggshells is cruel
9. stop opening the fridge!
10. SERIOUSLY, GTFO of my damn fridge!



See a pattern? This kid eats like she has a tapeworm eats like her Daddy!
NEVER STOPS.

 Every time I try to stop Dookie, or direct her to a fruit or veggie snack or meal item, she throws a ridiculous temper tantrum. She's on the floor, kicking, screaming, wailing her brains out. Then Baby Sis, comes barreling into the room to see why her big sister is throwing a shit fit, decides that she's gonna jump on that train too. For no reason at all Baby Sis throws herself back in a dramatic tizzy. Of course she slams her little 11 month old head on the floor or a wall and actually gives herself a reason to cry.

Two kids, laying on the floor having a full blown pity party, and me, just standing in the kitchen watching. Sometimes they're both so dramatic, I wonder if I should pop some popcorn and put my feet up, it's like a double feature.  Total drama queens, they must get it from their mother father.

Holy crap, I look at the clock it's just 11 am.
This week has been like groundhog day, if not string cheese, it's mini bagels, or googy eggs. I tried to explain to Dookie 467123516 times that if she eats that many of those things, she'll get a stomach ache and constipated. She doesn't give a shit what I'm saying. "Wah Wah Womp Wah Wah." Is all that she hears, think Charlie Brown's teacher.

Then, after her 5th string cheese of the day, she sits on the toilet for a solid 20 minutes grunting like an old man.

Daddy: "What's wrong, baby? Are you okay in there?"
Dookie: "Gah! I have hurtin' poo-poos again. (yeah, Momma's real freaking surprised.)  It's like a rock in my butt-butt!"
Daddy: "See, didn't Momma tell you not to eat that many bagels and string cheeses?"
Dookie: "But my Poppa told me the string cheese has calciums! I'll just do the big horse poo-poos. Get out! I need PRIVACY!" ::slams the door shut::

A few minutes later she triumphantly leaves the bathroom, and sends Momma, Daddy and Baby Sis on a force march to see her "big, huge, GIANT (arms spread) Horse Poopoo!" Awesome. I better be impressed...

Momma: "Wow, baby that must've hurt, see why I said you need to eat a variety of foods and not just bread, and string cheese."

I turn around, she's in the fridge again, getting another f*cking string cheese.

   Dookie and her Googy Egg. (It's a hard boiled egg)

"Momma, get out your Iphone and take a picture of my Googy egg. It looks EXACTLY like a ninny!"

All about Daddy, by Dookie

All about my Daddy!
 by Dookie, age 3

as seen on Me So Cary


1. What is something Daddy always says to you? 

"I love you."  Gee, thanks, I tell you not to touch my straightener but Daddy says I love you. Damn.

2. What makes Daddy happy? 

"Um, laughing. Makin' silly faces. (makes silly faces)" Apparently both Daddy and I are insanely happy and enjoy silly faces!

3. What makes Daddy sad? 

"Um, He doesn't do that."


  
4. How does your Daddy make you laugh? 

"He roars, like a t-rex."
 
5. What was your Daddy like as a child? 

"a teeny-tiny poopie head!!"
 
6. How old is your Daddy? 

"Seven!"
 
7. How tall is your Daddy? 

"So big!"
 
8. What is Daddy's favorite thing to do? 

"fartin' he goes poop a lotta times."
 
9. What does your Daddy do when you are not home? 

"Um, let me think about that. Hum. Hum. Work."

 
10. If your Daddy becomes famous, what will it be for? 

"What? TFGK. Tell me Mommy."
 
11. What is your Daddy really good at? 

"Um, workin, going to the car wash."  No, not workin' at the car wash, yeah!

12. What is your Daddy not good at? 

"pictures, or cookin."
 
13. What does your Daddy do for a job? 

"workin' on the computer. Eatin' pizza and dunkin donuts on the street." When we visit Daddy at work, we always get pizza and dunkin' donuts!
 
14. What is your Daddy's favorite food?
"Pickles. and carrots and broccoli! And Broccoli! And pickles, and green! His favorite color is green and blue and pink. "

15. What makes you proud of your Daddy? 

"Playin' his games, and playing on his computer with me."

16. If your Daddy were a cartoon character, who would she be? 

"A man cartoon, his name is Shaughnessy." Again? Hey, that's my name!!
 
17. What do you and your Daddy do together? 

"We go to car wash!!! We put seeds in the bird feeder and ate ice cream out of the container yesterday! You we'rent home Momma, he said it's a secret."
 
18. How are you and your Daddy the same? 

"Um, I dont know. I'm too busy ok, I'll talk to you in a minute, ok? "

19. How are you and your Daddy different? 

"I said in a minute."
 
20. How do you know your Daddy loves you?
"uh, because I kiss him."

21. What does your Daddy like most about your Momma? 

 "huggin and kissin"


22. Where is your Daddy's favorite place to go?
 "to Sesame street"

All About My Mom, by Dookie

All about my Momma, by Dookie, Age 3
(as seen on Me So Cary)


1. What is something mom always says to you? 

"No touching your hair straightenin' iron thing. It's hot and I'm gonna get burned on my fingers and my all my blood will come out."
 
2. What makes mom happy? 

"Um, laughing. Makin' silly faces. (makes silly faces) That's funny? Silly faces make you happy, that's so funny, it's like a poopie head!"

3. What makes mom sad? 

"Um, crying. Makin' mean faces, um, are you gonna ask me what makes you really really mad?"
So, what makes Mommy really really mad? "Not behavin', being mean to Sissy."
  
4. How does your mom make you laugh? 

"Makin' silly faces. Momma, make a silly face so I can laugh now. Make a bubble! (Blows spit bubble.) That's funny? Do it, I'll laugh."
 
5. What was your mom like as a child? 

"Playin', a baby doll. You liked to play with an owl. When I was a really little kid, I fell down and cried really really hard, when I was a little little baby, did you know that? I was a baby. (Screaming and laughing) I farted on your face! " Some attention span there. Haha.
 
6. How old is your mom? 

"So big!!" (Baby Sis does "So Big" too) laughing ensues.
 
7. How tall is your mom? 

"I have little feet, Mommy. I have little feet, let me show you how I walk. (Runs around kitchen island screaming,) I can't stop, whooooooah!"
 
8. What is her favorite thing to do? 

"Paint. Paint a picture. And play playdough, and go to Disney and the pumpkin patch, and picking strawberries too."
 
9. What does your mom do when you are not home? 

"Goes to Taco Bell, and you'll stay all by yourself and you can do it because you're bigger."
She's referring to one time when I stayed home and she and sissy and Daddy went to pick up Taco Bell. She told Daddy that she needed to be "rushed home because I realized nobody was baby sittin' you!"
 
10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? 

"What? Ugh, I don't know. That was silly."
 
11. What is your mom really good at? 

"Painting. Playdough. You're a good mommy, and a good cook. You're good at pickin' out stuff at the grocery store."
 
12. What is your mom not good at? 

"Makin' some paint." Lol okay.
 
13. What does your mom do for a job? 

"Makin' cupcake cakes. Hurm, makin' dinner." She's right! I do make cupcakes! www.jennyscupcakery.com
 
14. What is your mom's favorite food?
"Pickles. Mmmhum, absolutely. (Cracks up.)"  
She finds this amusing. Pickle's are not my favorite.

15. What makes you proud of your mom? 

"Paintin' a picture, Momma. Hey, Mommy, you're good at pickin' some flowers for me when I was a little baby. " Um, thanks?

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? 

"A lady cartoon. Your cartoon name is Shaughnessy."
 
17. What do you and your mom do together? 

"We go to the kids museum, I just made you a picture. Wanna see it?"
 
18. How are you and your mom the same? 

"Um, I dont know. (laughs) We both have silly butt-butts. "

19. How are you and your mom different? 

"I don't know. We are."
 
20. How do you know your mom loves you?
"Cuz' you kiss me."

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? 

 "What kind of Daddy do you like? Kevin."


22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
 "Hum, let's think about that. Dunkin' donuts."

wax on, wax off

Mr. Miagi would be so proud in Dookie's mastering the ways of waxing....

Dookie and Baby Sis were playing quietly in the playroom. I was working in the kitchen. Dookie thinks she's slick, quietly sneaking out of the playroom in one of those over dramatic tip-toe motions that's so slow and over exaggerated, a blind person could see her. She grabs up some paper towels, runs to the play room. She likes to clean her toy kitchen and wipe the baby's "huge, HUGE (arms spread out as wide as she can) HUGE-MOUNGOUS boogers." So, I didn't mind the theft.

A few minutes later, back she creeps, with the grace of a herd of stampeding elephants. This time she grabs one of my measuring cups, and fills it with water from the refrigerator. That's when I knew it was on like Donkey Kong. No good can come from a cup of water in a playroom.

I stick my head into the playroom to see her with one of her baby dolls. She was rubbing water on it's imaginary eyebrows and "moosestache." Then, Dookie tears a strip of paper towel and with great expertise lined it up on the eyebrow, gingerly smoothed it, then ripped it off violently.

Dookie: "Momma! LOOK WHAT I DID! I'm waxing the baby, it's way too, so much hairy. Gross!"
Momma: (laughing) "What is waxing?"
Dookie: "You know Momma, like when you're so hairy like a grown up! The lady says, (mimics accent) 'Ok, you lay down here now,' and then she rips all your hair off with a paper towel!"

To add insult to injury, she finishes the baby up with a "moosestache" wax. Then she puts on her best accent and says,

"Ok, you lay down here now," and instructs me to lay on the couch because I'm next.

I take her to the museum, to the park, to the library. I read to her constantly. I teach her how to grocery shop and to cook.  I try so hard to teach her good skills. I'm so glad that it's THIS lesson she's learned.  Awesome.

Sigh. Wax on, Wax off.